Nudes In My Apple iPhone (via Crown Royal)

Ohhh shhiit!.....

So apparently there are some nude pics surfacing the web of some celebs, thanks to some hackers lol....And it has something to do with the iCloud within Apple's iPhone or someshit....

I don't feel sorry for them!...I'm scared for myself!!!

Now, I know I'm not a celeb to YOU people...but I do have some sexy ass nudes stored up there in my iCloud somewhere. I know if a female hacker seen MY tools.........she'd leak my shit..(lol). I can just see my ex-girlfriends' reactions when they see my anaconda again after some years...(Your lost). I'd probably crop a picture with my sword in the dead center, then set it as my profile pic on Facebook...just to make sure they see it..(and their mama!)

Now that I'm actually thinking on it a lil more, I could just leak some nudes of myself...myself...and just blame it on the hackers..ha!...That would be a good way to payback all the women who didn't give it up!!...(Rosaline!!!) You know, let them see what they decided to pass up on...

One problem. My mom is my friend on Facebook.

Noooo...I can't unfriend my mom on Facebook!!!, what type of son do you think I am??

Deal with it mom.

You were the first to see it anyway. (Puts fists together and does an ancient peace bow).

....And change my name to "Brandon BigPenis Humphrey"...A lil too bold? I think NOT!!! C'mon...if I don't show the world what I got hiding in my pants now, they may never know!!!

"Oh God...here comes Mr. Big Dick!", is what they will say when I pick up my kids from daycare. Plus, I live in a small town. Every woman I run into will know I can reach the Galaxy......S......by the leaked photos in my iPhone 5s.

.....Time is ticking...and I got some photos to edit...

I'm at the bottom of my glass...Hollah!!!


(Visit http://www.elunohq.com)

Chicken (via Barefoot Moscato)

So I just cooked the best freaking chicken I have ever tasted in my 24 years. Nah this wasn't fried, baked, broiled, simmered, or sautéed. This shit was "frakiosimauitéed"!!!...(shut up). Aaight...let me tell you how I did it...well, the recipe/directions.

First off, I had some chicken. Chicken tenderloins. These weren't ya average tenderloins neither!..I'm talking getting kicked in the testicles tender!! Anyways, I took about four tenderloins, sliced them in cubes; I did that about 3 times because I had twelve nshit. I heated up the pan behind me until it started whispering like Beyoncé..."I'm HOT!"...I responded as if I were Jay-Z, "Oh, you ready Bey?". (Talking to your food as you cook it makes it...grow...tastefully..ha lol). Yeah, I threw dem bad boys in a small white bowl with some juice I squeezed from a lemon, I sprinkled some weird seasoning I seen my wife had in the cabinet (that she never uses), some pepper, and some Tony Chachere's.

While the chicken was sweating and screaming my name, I was flipping tortilla shells like a boss!...10-15 seconds on each side then flipping em on a plate nshit. You couldn't tell me nothing. My wife was lured into the kitchen like a mouse on a hunt for peanut butter. (Mice rather peanut butter much more than cheese)

"GET OUT MY KITCHEN!!!", I yelled out at my wife; "I'm Chef-Boy-Ardeeee!". I tuned back into my duties on the stove and squirted some bar-b-que sauce on the chicken with some Italian shredded cheese..(WTF...I'm a genius, I know).

Long story short, I tossed some salad on the tortilla and tumbled the frakiosimauitéed chicken on top. Nicely folded that thang and served it to my wife's grandmother.....(wasn't expecting that shit huh?...)...that's the truth tho. Then, I served my wife (lol)...lastly, myself.....I'm a boss!

I should've taken a picture.

I'm at the bottom of my glass...Hollah!!!


(Visit http://www.elunohq.com)